| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2008|11:39 pm] |
P.S. Im going to Dubai for two weeks... this Tuesday. I was told officially last Tuesday. It should be interesting. Think I gathered enough mindless entertainment to take with me in the worst case, and in the best case I can press some people there for interesting philosophies and ways of thought. Expand my mind. If I can just keep my mind off of issues from here long enough that is...
I fully expect to be driven out of my mind by the work shifts though, and fully expect to start writing to people. About what ever i can wrap my mind around there, so don't be surprised.
If my mind ever catches up with me. Where did you go off to, mind? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2008|12:50 pm] |
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Is it really so strange for people to just break out into song in everyday life? Or for two people to effortlessly fall into harmony? It seems like that would be the most natural thing in the world. |
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| Self motivated |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|06:00 pm] |
I Juuuuuuuuuust got back from my second trip up to NY (hurray awesome Becky), and while I could go on about the things I did while I was down there, the philosophical books I've read, or how I've found lately how these short trips and vacation always leave me energized and self motivated once i return only to be chipped away by work; the most poignant even by far (well relatively for the past week... lets not talk about two weeks ago) was the hour long conversation I had with my sister in law (Kathy) as she was giving me a ride home from the bus station.
I mean its just a wake up call, having somebody who is a step back but still deeply involved with my family; and their perspective of my family. Like for instance, I just learned that after my initial explanation to my parents about wanting to travel or move; they had gone to my brother/sister to ask them about it or suggest they should try to dissuade me (Who pronkley stood up for me). I guess i end up just shutting off that kind of perception to my parents so it dosen't get to me. My brother did much of the same thing growing up, only he had the difference of being able to go to Kathy's family all through high school and collage; where as I ended up just completely locking down into self introversion to the point where it has affected my obliviousness to the rest of the world. (And my sister who incidentally didn't ignore them but learned how to talk around them)
There is just so many different abstract thoughts or tangent revelations to this type of outside perspective on my family that its just... nothing to do to explain it properly outside my own head or those who would actually know my family that well. Similarities to my siblings. The differences. My parents 'style' and nurture and the reaction to which. How I've reacted to that. This environment. How its all effected me elsewhere. Things I normally don't even think about cause im so used to shutting everything off.
That obliviousness thing still concerns me. And all of it does. Again it makes me sad how many people I've all ready fallen apart from since collage, despite my efforts. And it reinforces that i need to go get a new scene soon.
Really though it was nice to talk to my sister in law like that, and to wake up a bit. Which is probably just as well coming out of a trip I was just able to let myself shut off the broken record that was my mind for a few days completely. |
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| 10,000 miles |
[Jul. 21st, 2008|11:46 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | On the rise (Dr.Horrible) | ] |
I've driven over 10,000 miles so far this year. Actually my odometer hit 130,000 just shy of July and have a thousand plus since. People keep asking me how hard it is putting in to those two jobs, or how tired must I be from all of the work and the driving. I mean its fun to talk about, and I'm really coming around to being proud about what I've put into this little development project; but really there's nothing to say about their questions. So I just kinda smile and take it in strides. The two jobs, the hours, the commute, never weighed on me at all really. I mean I'll be glad in two weeks when its accomplished; but I've never really thought of it as a burden.
However the end of this job also coincides with a bunch of other things happening. Mostly it is this: That the last of the people I am truly close to are moving states away. At the end of July at just the same time. I mean I've been spoiled rotten with the social I've been these past few months but it just reiterates... *beat*. Theres just other alls coming up that do weigh on me; and I'm not sure I know anymore. It feels like im just running out of reasons.
I feel like im finally coming to a head of a war of attrition that has lasted for years. And spanning multiple story arcs. And I just can't help but starting to get sad, angry, or just pissed at certain things... The latest broken record in my head, one of many, being; I'm absolutely infuriated that so much in life seems bent on conditioning you that your wrong to feel or to admit as much. That you have to stifle yours so that them and theirs can live in comfort. A fear that trying to speak and misrepresenting yourself; or even worse saying exactly what you mean but others not being able to handle it alienates you from even more. That even if your willing to carry your burdens yourself, but in a moment of being worn down, of just feeling the need to speak or reveal your weakness, even if your not asking anything of anyone; you end up with even less. Where as if you just remained stoic and make people see that the burdens never get to you, or that you are not even burdened at all that people would have thought more of you. People always were impressed with that kind of endurance. Even the illusion of it.
I guess this in of itself is a sign of wavering... Im talking about now though. Its not a terribly original story either. But its not just one story. Its every thing at once, over time. And as it gets worn away, other issues that you'd always shoulder will get to you more then normal and try to chip away. And its still just one of many things on my mind at the time. A lot of things are bothering me more the usual. I wonder if this same thing was happening before... but i'd hate to think I've ever been anything less then sincere either.
Don't know what I want to do now. Have a week of vacation time set up for August, but really I wish it could be a few months and I could go traveling. More I wonder if I should just raise anchor and do that for a bit anyway, or try something somewhere else for a bit. Poke a bear or two. Most of all I wish something, that observation has shown, is never better off when asked for. Maybe that shouldn't be. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2008|07:27 pm] |
So funny story. My QA boss (Roscoe) asked me to stay late on thrusday. This is not uncommon, as i also have had to stay late a few other days and even came in today (Saturday) to help. The full time people almost always do. So we continue working on some multiplayer build testing for a while, until about 7:30. At which point people are trying to decide if we have anymore work to continue doing, the office secretary (cool gal) comes in and ask us QA temps for our coats.
Wait what? "Don't ask any questions just do it" Um ok. At this time were also informed that Roscoe wants to see us, as everyone else is packing up for the day. So the three of us go to meet him as hes walking up. As he approaches us, he lets us know that he has something for us, and then hands over three tickets to the premier viewing 8 o'clock show of Iron Man! Fucking A!
Apparently the whole QA group had been getting tickets for it, and Roscoe decided to treat us. That is one cool boss, and i guess it says something for the type of enviorment this industry has (also including the staying late part. heh.) So we head over to the hunt valley movie place, and it was actually kind of cool because the theater was only half full since it was a preview premier. I have no idea how that works out but we got plenty of space to ourselves.
Also the movie was amazing, very well done i thought. Every thing seemed really strong and the parts or moments that could have been too corny they actually managed to find ways to work. I mean, i actually find myself excited to go try and see it again while its out in theaters. So I guess i still do have a few good days very occasionally.
We did miss the Baltimore art tour this month because of poor planing :(. But I have managed to have some other interesting encounters hanging out with the Kate friend like going to a professional foos ball tournament (holy crap those people are hard core good at that game) and finding my way to the Maryland food and beer festival. Yes, I tried a whole bunch of samples and even found some beers I could tolerate :P. Good times. Also occasionally hanged out with a becky friend as well and saw some other movies. Incidentally the Herald and Kumar 2 was a lot more over the top then i thought. Forbidden kingdom was allright as well. |
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| Whats an update? |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|12:39 pm] |
I guess I might as well break my radio silence, since im actually in the mood to write something...
So yeah, the other day I went to Fell's Point with Kate and friends to check out the art tour circuit. I haven't had that much fun or been that genuinely happy in a long time, and it was a really cool experience. All of it was of the local art type so there was a wide range; from standard landscape, to the disturbing and powerful, to the humors and offcuff. And most all of the people running the individual studios were very talkative and amazing characters.
We found this one women (Mary Bickford), who actually had a poster up and was hiding down an alley off the tour because some of the regular tour people wouldn't let her in (stupid politics). She was just showing her art out of her studio in the middle of the ally, out of this brick and morter garage which i thought was a lot better local art environment then any of the studios we had seen so far. She's apparently been at it for decades, has had a splattering of shows and success, and a fairly interesting life.
We walked in on a clay / potter guy in his late 20's who just opened up and is living out of his shop since a few years ago; and has been trying to keep at it when hes not at his full time job. He had some impressive works and photographs around the place, including what i thought were some cool florescent/cremated pot designs. He talked to us for a while about his experience in Baltimore, about dealing with being a starting artist and trying to just break even while doing what he loves, and what hes been thinking about moving onto next eventually. (Though kate seems to think Baltimore will grow on him and keep him here. Also apparently Kate knows everyone in Baltimore.)
Then we went to this studio loft, where a guy in his 50's? (and his family) who likes to ask kids who are viewing his art to come to his second story entertainment studio and chill for an hour or two. Despite my "'pampared sheep' and they were never seen again" theory he was actually a nice guy (and also had a lot of character) and there were quite a few people up there. (90 inch projector screen, sourond sound with sound proof specially designed walls, ect.... nice!). We watched animal planet for a while while he would cater to us or discuss art and the entertainment center with other patrons. Also apparently there is a lot you can learn from the harsh lessons of nature about life in general...
But yeah, I loved it. Getting a chance to see parts of a world you usually never would. Seeing an underground local setting, interesting characters and stories, and all kinds of discoveries. I just really enjoy that. Great times.
Oh yeah i guess there is the rest of my life going on too... Umm... I continue to be manic. just pretend I went on for 4 paragraphs about that here. Im working two jobs now. I convinced my 9-5 to switch around hours for me and am now also working part time in the QA department of a video game studio. I never did get my g.r.e.s taken care of because i just completely shut down from all my strees for a little while. Im a little bit bumed because so many of my friends are going away. I mean im happy for them... Becky has started the magazine job in NY which is really awesome, The old roommates are talking about moving to north Carolina when there lease is up this summer, Kate just got into grad school (also in NC). I am happy for them :).
But then in addition to that and a dozen other friends who have just stopped bothering to keep in touch, I'll only have two friends left in the entire state. I've been trying to decide what i'll do next. Maybe if i dont give up completely I'll raise anchor and just travel to some random city in some random state and see what happens for a while. |
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| What I learned in Baltimore: part 2 |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|12:43 am] |
I think the thing that inspires me to be passionit though, on any and every level, is people...
I keep trying to make myself believe what some say, that you should be able to live with yourself first. Find what makes you tick on your own, your own opinions, your own life; The identity and happiness you sustain on your own without being dependent on others...
I mean thats what makes people interesting and passionet in the first place. And its certainly what attracts me to some people, which is true for everyone.
But i still can't help get away from this sense that it is the close personal relationships with other people, knowing other people, seeing the other worlds that inspires and fuels myself so much (That and music). And more then that, it is being able to inspire, entertain, and help others that makes me genuinely happy. It is not even of matter whether i get credit or recognition for that much either.
Maybe thats just everybody, and maybe everybody also has their own thing that gets them off as well. But im beginning to wonder if that other people thing IS my thing, even more so then what everybody feels. At any rate im still trying to scratch my head at how I became anti-social and outgoing. Or was it very social and closed off. I can't tell. |
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| What I learned in Baltimore: part 1 |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|12:01 am] |
I'm just jealous. There are people out there with such passion for things, with such talent to a single subject they devote their life too. But then I have and still do pride myself on being well rounded, and having a little bit of everything in me. Yet occasionally when i get a glimpse into someone else's world, and just see the knowledge and depth they have for something, and the passion with which they speak about it... I know they gave things up for it and have spent years devoted to it, but somehow i dont see each case individually... I see the artist, and the musician; the activist and acrobat... I know they all exist separately but i end up painting this picture as a whole; and to put it plainly I end up wanting the world.
I was just thinking about it too and this has been a pattern for a lot of the things I have done. I see the forest, yet even though I get a view almost nobody else dose I never get to see the trees...
In elementary school it used to be me and my rival eddie who were known as and competed as the best artist in grade. I could trace and doodle like no other. But as I grew up I found I could never even match the skill, detail, and emotion that artist end up putting into works. I can still draw very well, or trace that is. As long as I can see it and its still, i can get a pretty detailed outline drawing. But I can't put things together, create things... flush them out with the talent of true artist.
I mean I can create the pictures in my head. In great detail and power. But I just can't grasp the steps to from the blank slate to the portrait. I can't fathom the individual parts you have to draw that later join together to form a great work.
And its similar for other ascpects of my life as well. Music... I've become Outstanding at playing the drums, am becoming great at guitar, and am even good at singing and some piano. yet when it comes to composeing... I come up with great lyrics but never when im actualy trying and can't put them down on paper for the life of me. I can compose entire symphonies in my head, and literaly keep track of and be aware of dozens of individual instruments at the same time. But if you put me infront of a music writeing program and asked me to chart out just one of them I wouldnt be able to even begin to construct the sinlge part, and keep it in balance or time with the rest of the orchestration by itself...
With writing... I can construct epic plots, detail out the characters, interactions, and arcs. Before I've even sat down to write the page I've already created two sequels and an entire world and history. But I can't seem to coherently and entertainingly describe the first setting in a chapter or thread the journey together.
Even sports among other things. In little league I was one of the better/best baseket ball players on the team, and did pretty well in baseball to. But as I got older I just didn't keep up at the same level as others and became nothing more then an amazingly average athlete.
Every time its the exact same symptoms...
And then I hear people talk in such details about specific people, terms, vocabulary... about history and emotion from a single subject. Give it personality, and meaning... and i find myself struggling to even have an opinion about anything that doesn't come naturally to me. I admire those people, and am glad to have friends like that.
I am fortunate. Things come to me easily, I can pick up almost anything instantly and become good at it in no time at all. I have an incredible range that outshines most anyone else, that a lot of people couldn't even dream of. But I have no depth it seems.
Well... even if i think about it in my most angsty and self critical mood I don't think i can exactly call myself shallow. I do have depth, but most of it is so internalized. Or the depth is there but its buried where myself or others don't usually get to see it, like a catacomb of caves.
I guess that is why I really do become so proud of the things I do find myself passionet about. Even if it is something as silly as a drum key trinket to represent something I became proficient in, excelled at, and personalized and made my own; for example.
I just... need to get rid of all this bad conditioning on myself; that tells me to wait in line, or makes me constantly aware of the critizim and opinions of others. Or the horribly placid aversion to discomfort. |
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| Im only happy when it rains. And then the rain freezes and crystalizes into a soft fun fluff |
[Jan. 17th, 2008|03:57 pm] |
Yay snow! snow is great. And pretty. And fun. Even if I did stall out and slide down a hill near my brothers nieghboorhood, but the roads around my brother are hardly normal even in good conditions. And I still triumphed. Also I have a gym buddy now, yay, so im not always going to the gym alone. Which hopefuly ill start doing again. 400 pages into book five of wheel of time now as well. And oh yeah I lost 500 '$' on some online gambling. But I didnt really care cause its not like real money. Go terps! yay snow.
Of course im still manic. Im just in a temporary upswing. But on the other hand... its snowing! |
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| context |
[Jan. 12th, 2008|10:57 pm] |
I finished reading The Amber Spyglass yesterday, the third book in the 'His Dark Materials'. I like the series (fuck the movie), and I had enjoyed it and all. But the ending just made me sad. And then it made me angry, really angry, and some of the philosophy and then some of just the story got me thinking about other things which just started branching off everywhere real quickly. It made me sad and angry and unhappy and miserable and violent and rebellious and just a swarm of other things I wasn't in the state for. It just set off all the things that had been weighing down on me the past year, and for a short time I could explain and understand it all to.
I had wanted to get it down for my own sake, but knew if I sat down or put my mind in a frame to write, it would all vanish. Which it did anyway. And its not even as if It vented out or I had some great big purge and its gone now... no. Its not like that. Its still all festering and im still fighting down all these negative feelings. Its back to being just out at peripheral where I cant grab it to explain it.
I just paused mid that last sentence, having some daydream where someone responded to this journal and I get in some argument that sets me off again and starts me venting about it all. The second I realized what i was doing it was to late to write it all down yet again. I keep playing a lot of those arguments out in my head lately it seems which dosent help the stress. I guess it will just keep lingering there. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 12th, 2008|02:21 am] |
Its like a soap bubble. If I look directly at it, I can hardly see it and it will disintegrate away. And if I keep it just at the edge of my vision, I can almost make it out but cant work all the details. Ive memorized parts already but the threads holding it together are spider thin and just as flimsy. These thoughts and emotions, this desperation thats been building inside me lately. Some sense of myself.
Its exactly like the times I actually feel myself creating lyrics. When I have some song stuck in my head. Where the second I sit down to write them or hold them still they fly away, but when i try to force them otherwise they are awkward and stumble. I've lost them already.
I can only hope i catch them sometime soon in a stream of consiusce. Maybe when the currents slowed down some. Or somehow just capture the memory of it, like trying to replicate the image of a painting by traceing cloth with your finger. God I hope so.
At least i can apparently create a bunch of vivid analogies...
The soap bubble thing is over done perhapses...
Yeah its gone again already. It will be back though. Im going to sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2008|07:46 am] |
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I can remember vivid physical feeling in my dream as well. And sense it as I was leaving the dream into tossing in bed, but still thinking like... having the same thought process as the dream. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2008|02:02 pm] |
I think I somehow learned how to dream while i'm still awake. Not just day dreams, but actual rem dreaming. This happens in place of when i'm actually trying to go to sleep, which I cant seem to do that well as of late. I find my mind wont let go, and if I do doze off a little its only an hour or so before Im back starring at the celling or walls. I can sometimes almost barely remember having a dream, but then I can also remember still tossing and turning during that time as well. As if they are overlapped, or layered somehow. Maybe im starting to sleep with my eyes open and don't know it... Also all of the dreams lately have been lucid ones. I also find if i do any kind of indulgence or escapes like reading a book, following a tv show or what ever my mind will latch onto it and keep cranking out thinking while im trying to empty my mind for sleep, for hours; that is when its not acting out moral, ethical, or emotional arguments with imaginary people in my head... those always get 'fun' too.
I Hate my mind. I dont want it any more. Get lost.
It probably doesn't help that I've been sick the last week. Had to take my first to sick days from work. All though normally I would tough it out, which I did at least one day this week; the combination of lack of sleep and metal rebellion/bombardment was just to much and I just needed a sensory deprivation day as much as I could. Course I know why Ive been sick alot lately is cause I haven't really been taking care of myself. Lack of sleep, forgetting to eat occasionally and not eating well, haven't been physical active as much...
Hopefully once it stops getting dark so early, and it gets a little warmer ill start going to the gym again, and then pick up my eating habits. I had a pretty good routine going from march till winter last year until I got sick that first time. I wonder when ill pick up everything else in my life again as well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|10:37 pm] |
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I wonder. Sometimes in dreams you'll see other people you know there. Not even people you are necessarily close to. People who just happened to be in the same class or neighborhoods as you years ago. I wonder if anyone else ever notices me in their dreams. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2007|09:44 pm] |
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You'd be surprised the warm looks you get carrying a 3 foot tall stuffed animal through a store. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2007|11:27 pm] |
I turned 24 last week, on the 14th. Despite the fact that people at work usually treat you to lunch, or that I was hanging around with a bunch of friends that weekend I didn't really feel like i needed to tell anyone. Its not that I have a sense of forced modesty, its just not something i feel like i need to advertise or proclaim to people or have any expectations for. But I do feel kind of bad cause I know some of my friends got mad last year that I didn't tell anyone till after it had passed, and that I didn't let anyone know.
But there was just an unsettling thing hanging over the whole thing. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think whats bothering me is more generic, that I hate feeling like I have to ask for attention all the time if I ever want to get any. I shouldn't feel that way. But just the more and more I look around sometimes I feel as If i am just not socially functional. That I can't carry a conversation or actually connect and engage with people in the moment; outside of a few inane sarcastic quips. All the while more and more i feel myself just shuting down and becoming unfunctional. Can't articulate any opinion or argument. Can't focus on anything at work any more outside of 30 minute task. I've completely lost all momentum or will to keep up with the gym or grad school appcliations. And just generally overwhelmed, even when I should be happy and hanging out with friends.
I just don't really know that I can talk about it, or want to. Though apparently Im just being emo. So it must just be me being a whiny little bitch and nothing to worry about at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2007|08:47 pm] |
Gah, i took the second gre practice, and my score actually went down. Verbal went up 30 but math came down 70 from last time. And my goal was to improve at least 120 points from the first test... (so now id have to improve 160)
Maybe it was just a fluke and I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. I was a bit aloof when taking the test and should have caught a lot of mistakes on the math one. I also saw a few of the verbal i should have understood better but didn't get my head around at the time (I knew the words! Just not exact enough), and had at some extra time in both sections i could have spent...
Im not completely sure im ready for this. But I don't want to wait around another year preparing. There is nothing here for me, and I need to move on. In some direction. Maybe i should just become the live out of car musician instead. Or maybe i can just ask for permission to break down now and fall apart in a corner. Go coma or something. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2007|04:17 pm] |
I hate this feeling. That every time im talking or hanging out with someone, I feel the need to vent and just get it all out there as if I have no other outlet. But It never seems that I've quenched that feeling, that there is still something hanging over my head. And the times I do get to hang out with people aren't so far apart that this should be the case, yet i still feel its been ages since the last time i cleared my head every time.
And it sucks cause i feel like im being such a downer to people. Its only like two or three people to so its not like i can spread it out. At worst i start to feel like that awkward creepy guy in the sitcom, or that guy who just tries a bit to hard to be liked or social; When I'd rather just be at ease and completely natural around people. I haven't felt like that since... |
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