The wolf's Den

lightwolf @ 2008-10-12T23:39:00

2008-10-13T03:52:05Z

P.S. Im going to Dubai for two weeks... this Tuesday. I was told officially last Tuesday. It should be interesting. Think I gathered enough mindless entertainment to take with me in the worst case, and in the best case I can press some people there for interesting philosophies and ways of thought. Expand my mind. If I can just keep my mind off of issues from here long enough that is...

I fully expect to be driven out of my mind by the work shifts though, and fully expect to start writing to people. About what ever i can wrap my mind around there, so don't be surprised.

If my mind ever catches up with me. Where did you go off to, mind?

lightwolf @ 2008-10-11T12:50:00

2008-10-11T16:52:08Z

Is it really so strange for people to just break out into song in everyday life? Or for two people to effortlessly fall into harmony? It seems like that would be the most natural thing in the world.

Self motivated

2008-09-29T22:31:08Z

I Juuuuuuuuuust got back from my second trip up to NY (hurray awesome Becky), and while I could go on about the things I did while I was down there, the philosophical books I've read, or how I've found lately how these short trips and vacation always leave me energized and self motivated once i return only to be chipped away by work; the most poignant even by far (well relatively for the past week... lets not talk about two weeks ago) was the hour long conversation I had with my sister in law (Kathy) as she was giving me a ride home from the bus station.

I mean its just a wake up call, having somebody who is a step back but still deeply involved with my family; and their perspective of my family. Like for instance, I just learned that after my initial explanation to my parents about wanting to travel or move; they had gone to my brother/sister to ask them about it or suggest they should try to dissuade me (Who pronkley stood up for me). I guess i end up just shutting off that kind of perception to my parents so it dosen't get to me. My brother did much of the same thing growing up, only he had the difference of being able to go to Kathy's family all through high school and collage; where as I ended up just completely locking down into self introversion to the point where it has affected my obliviousness to the rest of the world. (And my sister who incidentally didn't ignore them but learned how to talk around them)

There is just so many different abstract thoughts or tangent revelations to this type of outside perspective on my family that its just... nothing to do to explain it properly outside my own head or those who would actually know my family that well. Similarities to my siblings. The differences. My parents 'style' and nurture and the reaction to which. How I've reacted to that. This environment. How its all effected me elsewhere. Things I normally don't even think about cause im so used to shutting everything off.

That obliviousness thing still concerns me. And all of it does. Again it makes me sad how many people I've all ready fallen apart from since collage, despite my efforts. And it reinforces that i need to go get a new scene soon.

Really though it was nice to talk to my sister in law like that, and to wake up a bit. Which is probably just as well coming out of a trip I was just able to let myself shut off the broken record that was my mind for a few days completely.

lightwolf @ 2008-08-28T00:18:00

2008-08-28T05:07:10Z

So I've been planing the logistics of this trip out over the past week, and have had it in my mind well before now anyways. (Incidentally a 3 day flight + hotel stay to Austin Texas to see a developers convention cost about $1,500, where as a 75 day trip around the whole country can probably be done on about $7,500. Hotel prices suck compared to other cost and rent.) But first let me address the why (for the sake of clearing my own head)

It will be difficult and challenging. Not only the prospect of actually planing and executing the trip, or the intimidation of up and leaving your job with no immediate prospects lined up; but actually going out into the world and trying to interact with it. Constant stream of new people and places, spending the time to find food and shelter each day, and dealing with the experiences.

There is also the matter that i am not so much in interested in seeing the places around the country, as meeting people around the country. Finding people with interesting stories, interacting with others from different areas. There is also a good manner of self reflection and philosophy to be had on the way because of both these sought social interactions and the solitude of the road. My mind has kicked into intellectual over drive since my NC trip. (Politics, game theory, philosophy, psychology, business, ect)

But mostly, as I've told myself before; it is because I feel a lot in my life has conditioned me through negative reinforcement to be ashamed of my feelings or expressing myself. I felt that putting myself out on the road, and letting go of any anchor or comfort zone will force me to go find myself a bit (The most trite explanation possible of my internal thought process right now :/). Also I believe there are certain skills and strengths to be learned from such an experience. Anyway, already, even through just discussing the prospect of this trip and my motives with my parents I've probably told them more about my self in the past week then I've talked to them in the past few years and forces myself to a certain level of assertiveness.

Now it is true that it is possible to work on these same characteristics in a stationary setting, but its a completely different style in both the situation and the challenge. For one, more discipline is required if your staying in the same place; because you have a convenience zone you can fall back to hide in. Another issue is the difference in skills, developing social encounters over time around a single area is different then developing social encounters with strangers every day in a dynamic setting for instance. That is to say, they are both sports and can get you in shape but one is soccer and one is football and there is a different approach and gains from each.

The reason im writing this here in the first place, is that im debating myself right now. Because i'm no longer sure i can pull this off; not for lack of will but for logistics. In order to start the road trip in time that im not stuck in the north east during winter (Makes campground lodging less desirable, danger of getting snowed in roads in the north, ect) ; I would have to put in my two weeks this week (yesterday) and set out on the road immediately. That gives me 16 days to find health insurance, possibly a new car, make a few other major purchases/investments, plan the logistics of the whole thing and so on. And then it be pushing into the holidays anyway, which in addition to social issues would affect what services are open during the trip.

Also, in order to enact "Plan B" I would start having to make concrete plans NOW (yesterday). Plan B involves more short term travel to specific locations. A weekend to NY, few days to Texas, maybe Arizona. And just maybe going to Dubai for work for some international travel. All of which would be interesting, and give me more time for an exit strategy but... not quite the same either. But I'd have to start getting plans in order for those plan B arrangements THIS WEEK.

Someone might suggest to just stick it out here and wait till next spring or summer to do it but... 1: For various reasons I want to have moved and start settling into a new place (NC) at the start of next year. 2: If it drags out its more likely to turn into something that gets continually pushed off. And again there are other reasons I don't want to be around here for that long or by that time anymore.

I just can't get my head around it. I feel like im rushed and spread to thin and overwhelmed. I can hedge, and make tentative arrangements to prolong plan B's drop dead date for a few more days but...

Anyway it dosen't help that I don't really have any sounding board on this. My parents weren't against the idea, but they weren't exactly supportive of it or understanding of my motives either. Some of my friends and my brother were more supportive of the idea but they are largely out of ear shot most the time and I am kinda missing having someone to bounce ideas off of. (Side note: So my Mom says "I just don't understand why someone would want to visit a place where they don't know anyone. I guess in the time when I was growing up people didn't really travel around like that" And I say '...Mom, didn't you grow up in the 60's and 70's?' "Yeah." 'You do know what other people were doing in the 60's and 70's don't you?'.)

I don't know, maybe there is something to be said about 'the drop everything and go' mind set. People have done it on a lot less and at a lot younger age then I. But the whole thing still feels rushed. I only got to this mind set during the vacation just after having finished the two job 7 day work week 3 month marathon, and I was just looking for a certain something... that matter of fact feel that I was going to do this. I know that much about the moving away part, but with the road trip, the logistics and mood is something else though.

It dosen't help that i hit a down swing mood a few days ago while im trying to deal with this either.

lightwolf @ 2008-08-17T15:00:00

2008-08-17T19:30:41Z

Made it back from Vacation; a vacation i would put down as one of the most relaxing in the history of me. In part because of how bad i needed one and also in part as to the quality of the time and company spent there with. I ended up staying a few days longer then i meant to but thats just a testament of how happy I was. It involved a little trip up to NC, spanning Chapel Hill and Charlot. Coming or going the drive wasn't that bad at all (Though the extra 2hrs of traffic on the way down kinda sucked...) Rather proud of my time back.

Charlot was a gorgeous city. It reminded me of a Canadian city in a way because of how clean and open it was. Actually in part it didn't even remind me of a city, just a lot of suburbs close together with some larger buildings in the center. Adam and Carols place had a great location. there was lots to do everywhere. Strip malls and real malls, events and centers, exploration and hangouts abound. All relatively close in all directions. Great place to run (exercise like), nice people. The place they live at now is great too, twice as big as what they had in Salisbury AND cheaper. The cost of living down there is ridiculously lower then MD (No surprise that MD is expensive, but still a shock at just how inexpensive other places are.)

We spent time exploring the city, driving around to different local dinners and eateries, catching up on some video games and movies. Teasing the Pug dog. Oh yeah... I think August Rush is going up as one of my favorite movies now, and I don't care if it is a sappy coincidentally contrived flick. The music ones always get me (see Across the Universe, Almost Famous). Plus gorram can they play some guitar. Presents and wine were exchanged, Mac and cheese with stuffing is the most delicious thing ever, and good times had by all.

Tuesday then had me speeding back to Chappel Hill, because people should just not spend their birthday alone in a new place. Chappel Hill... not quite as much to do as Charloet. Pretty much its all on Franklin street. But... theres people there! you can actually meet people (well yeah a college town will do that) and thats something your can't get while working. Not nearly in the same scope.

It was ridiculous though. Practically every second there wasnt grad school orientation stuff going on we were hanging out. And I just hit a satisfied calm I havent had in a long time. I got to play music again, felt comfortable singing and playing in front of someone... and even teaching a thing or two that i know for piano! Explored all around. Watched old and new movies. Had hours long debates on philosophy, people, and enlightenment. Scouring thrift shops and testing the weight capacity of our bookshelves there after. Started reading again (started reading Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance again, and read another one that came highly recommended and that i really liked, "Illusions, story of a reluctant Messiah"... which is basically a similar book to the first only with planes instead of motorcycles.) I started writing again as well. Like real deep writing, word smithing... it was fun. lots of fun adventures too including my first flat tire!

This is the point where I ended up staying 3 more days then I intended to after some encouragement. It just felt so good to be challenged again, aware, awake, and working pretty well with another human being at nothing particular. Though it was probably a good time for me to leave when i did to. I don't always get to spend that much time around a person (or any time for that matter lately) so i forget that you both need time to yourselves as well. Give me a day to unwind before going back to work now... for a little while at least.

So both my friends down there seem to be encouraging me that i should move down there to. And now im inclined to agree. After much thinking and soul searching, it comes out relatively obvious that this is no longer my place. Its a good job here but I no longer have a life for the living I am making; and if I stay here my soul is just going to break apart. I'm still not completely sure whether ill take up the roommate offer given to me or just find a place near by. I mean it really dosent matter where I go, but having good friends there makes it as good a choice as any as far as arbitrary choices ago.

Plus I really think it would be fun to apply to jobs in 5-6 Completely different fields, and see what bites. Writing, Comp Sci, Voice acting, Music teaching... building... And if it seems like it should be fun why shouldn't I?

The more I think about things being done only because they are convenient the more it pisses me off. Both from what it has prevented me from doing before, and what how much it has cost me from other people doing the same.

Another thing I haven't exactly decided on regarding execution... after i put in my weeks and get off that job; if i shouldn't go and do that traveling i keep talking about. A few months, several different states coast to coast. A philosophical and soul searching journey to learn about myself, learn about other people, and see a bit of the world. Mostly because of what I said before; so often have people and experience tried to condition me that its wrong for me to feel... to express... that I've lost some of the ability to do so. Sometimes i even feel the physical manifestations of my emotions but have no connection mentally or spiritually to what they are at all... *beat* And it would just be interesting to people watch, and actually find out stories about people from all over to. Im just not sure what sort of effect the time spent on that will press my chances else where though. I tend to have chance work against me when it comes to such things.

A little more thinking and deciding for where all of this will fall on the time line I think.

10,000 miles

2008-07-22T04:52:49Z

I've driven over 10,000 miles so far this year. Actually my odometer hit 130,000 just shy of July and have a thousand plus since. People keep asking me how hard it is putting in to those two jobs, or how tired must I be from all of the work and the driving. I mean its fun to talk about, and I'm really coming around to being proud about what I've put into this little development project; but really there's nothing to say about their questions. So I just kinda smile and take it in strides. The two jobs, the hours, the commute, never weighed on me at all really. I mean I'll be glad in two weeks when its accomplished; but I've never really thought of it as a burden.

However the end of this job also coincides with a bunch of other things happening. Mostly it is this: That the last of the people I am truly close to are moving states away. At the end of July at just the same time. I mean I've been spoiled rotten with the social I've been these past few months but it just reiterates... *beat*. Theres just other alls coming up that do weigh on me; and I'm not sure I know anymore. It feels like im just running out of reasons.

I feel like im finally coming to a head of a war of attrition that has lasted for years. And spanning multiple story arcs. And I just can't help but starting to get sad, angry, or just pissed at certain things... The latest broken record in my head, one of many, being; I'm absolutely infuriated that so much in life seems bent on conditioning you that your wrong to feel or to admit as much. That you have to stifle yours so that them and theirs can live in comfort. A fear that trying to speak and misrepresenting yourself; or even worse saying exactly what you mean but others not being able to handle it alienates you from even more. That even if your willing to carry your burdens yourself, but in a moment of being worn down, of just feeling the need to speak or reveal your weakness, even if your not asking anything of anyone; you end up with even less. Where as if you just remained stoic and make people see that the burdens never get to you, or that you are not even burdened at all that people would have thought more of you. People always were impressed with that kind of endurance. Even the illusion of it.

I guess this in of itself is a sign of wavering... Im talking about now though. Its not a terribly original story either. But its not just one story. Its every thing at once, over time. And as it gets worn away, other issues that you'd always shoulder will get to you more then normal and try to chip away. And its still just one of many things on my mind at the time. A lot of things are bothering me more the usual. I wonder if this same thing was happening before... but i'd hate to think I've ever been anything less then sincere either.

Don't know what I want to do now. Have a week of vacation time set up for August, but really I wish it could be a few months and I could go traveling. More I wonder if I should just raise anchor and do that for a bit anyway, or try something somewhere else for a bit. Poke a bear or two. Most of all I wish something, that observation has shown, is never better off when asked for. Maybe that shouldn't be.

lightwolf @ 2008-05-03T19:27:00

2008-05-03T23:48:32Z

So funny story. My QA boss (Roscoe) asked me to stay late on thrusday. This is not uncommon, as i also have had to stay late a few other days and even came in today (Saturday) to help. The full time people almost always do. So we continue working on some multiplayer build testing for a while, until about 7:30. At which point people are trying to decide if we have anymore work to continue doing, the office secretary (cool gal) comes in and ask us QA temps for our coats.

Wait what? "Don't ask any questions just do it" Um ok. At this time were also informed that Roscoe wants to see us, as everyone else is packing up for the day. So the three of us go to meet him as hes walking up. As he approaches us, he lets us know that he has something for us, and then hands over three tickets to the premier viewing 8 o'clock show of Iron Man! Fucking A!

Apparently the whole QA group had been getting tickets for it, and Roscoe decided to treat us. That is one cool boss, and i guess it says something for the type of enviorment this industry has (also including the staying late part. heh.) So we head over to the hunt valley movie place, and it was actually kind of cool because the theater was only half full since it was a preview premier. I have no idea how that works out but we got plenty of space to ourselves.

Also the movie was amazing, very well done i thought. Every thing seemed really strong and the parts or moments that could have been too corny they actually managed to find ways to work. I mean, i actually find myself excited to go try and see it again while its out in theaters. So I guess i still do have a few good days very occasionally.

We did miss the Baltimore art tour this month because of poor planing :(. But I have managed to have some other interesting encounters hanging out with the Kate friend like going to a professional foos ball tournament (holy crap those people are hard core good at that game) and finding my way to the Maryland food and beer festival. Yes, I tried a whole bunch of samples and even found some beers I could tolerate :P. Good times. Also occasionally hanged out with a becky friend as well and saw some other movies. Incidentally the Herald and Kumar 2 was a lot more over the top then i thought. Forbidden kingdom was allright as well.

Whats an update?

2008-04-05T17:10:45Z

I guess I might as well break my radio silence, since im actually in the mood to write something...

So yeah, the other day I went to Fell's Point with Kate and friends to check out the art tour circuit. I haven't had that much fun or been that genuinely happy in a long time, and it was a really cool experience. All of it was of the local art type so there was a wide range; from standard landscape, to the disturbing and powerful, to the humors and offcuff. And most all of the people running the individual studios were very talkative and amazing characters.

We found this one women (Mary Bickford), who actually had a poster up and was hiding down an alley off the tour because some of the regular tour people wouldn't let her in (stupid politics). She was just showing her art out of her studio in the middle of the ally, out of this brick and morter garage which i thought was a lot better local art environment then any of the studios we had seen so far. She's apparently been at it for decades, has had a splattering of shows and success, and a fairly interesting life.

We walked in on a clay / potter guy in his late 20's who just opened up and is living out of his shop since a few years ago; and has been trying to keep at it when hes not at his full time job. He had some impressive works and photographs around the place, including what i thought were some cool florescent/cremated pot designs. He talked to us for a while about his experience in Baltimore, about dealing with being a starting artist and trying to just break even while doing what he loves, and what hes been thinking about moving onto next eventually. (Though kate seems to think Baltimore will grow on him and keep him here. Also apparently Kate knows everyone in Baltimore.)

Then we went to this studio loft, where a guy in his 50's? (and his family) who likes to ask kids who are viewing his art to come to his second story entertainment studio and chill for an hour or two. Despite my "'pampared sheep' and they were never seen again" theory he was actually a nice guy (and also had a lot of character) and there were quite a few people up there. (90 inch projector screen, sourond sound with sound proof specially designed walls, ect.... nice!). We watched animal planet for a while while he would cater to us or discuss art and the entertainment center with other patrons. Also apparently there is a lot you can learn from the harsh lessons of nature about life in general...

But yeah, I loved it. Getting a chance to see parts of a world you usually never would. Seeing an underground local setting, interesting characters and stories, and all kinds of discoveries. I just really enjoy that. Great times.

Oh yeah i guess there is the rest of my life going on too... Umm... I continue to be manic. just pretend I went on for 4 paragraphs about that here. Im working two jobs now. I convinced my 9-5 to switch around hours for me and am now also working part time in the QA department of a video game studio. I never did get my g.r.e.s taken care of because i just completely shut down from all my strees for a little while. Im a little bit bumed because so many of my friends are going away. I mean im happy for them... Becky has started the magazine job in NY which is really awesome, The old roommates are talking about moving to north Carolina when there lease is up this summer, Kate just got into grad school (also in NC). I am happy for them :).

But then in addition to that and a dozen other friends who have just stopped bothering to keep in touch, I'll only have two friends left in the entire state. I've been trying to decide what i'll do next. Maybe if i dont give up completely I'll raise anchor and just travel to some random city in some random state and see what happens for a while.

What I learned in Baltimore: part 2

2008-04-05T04:53:37Z

I think the thing that inspires me to be passionit though, on any and every level, is people...

I keep trying to make myself believe what some say, that you should be able to live with yourself first. Find what makes you tick on your own, your own opinions, your own life; The identity and happiness you sustain on your own without being dependent on others...

I mean thats what makes people interesting and passionet in the first place. And its certainly what attracts me to some people, which is true for everyone.

But i still can't help get away from this sense that it is the close personal relationships with other people, knowing other people, seeing the other worlds that inspires and fuels myself so much (That and music). And more then that, it is being able to inspire, entertain, and help others that makes me genuinely happy. It is not even of matter whether i get credit or recognition for that much either.

Maybe thats just everybody, and maybe everybody also has their own thing that gets them off as well. But im beginning to wonder if that other people thing IS my thing, even more so then what everybody feels. At any rate im still trying to scratch my head at how I became anti-social and outgoing. Or was it very social and closed off. I can't tell.

What I learned in Baltimore: part 1

2008-04-05T04:42:21Z

I'm just jealous. There are people out there with such passion for things, with such talent to a single subject they devote their life too. But then I have and still do pride myself on being well rounded, and having a little bit of everything in me. Yet occasionally when i get a glimpse into someone else's world, and just see the knowledge and depth they have for something, and the passion with which they speak about it... I know they gave things up for it and have spent years devoted to it, but somehow i dont see each case individually... I see the artist, and the musician; the activist and acrobat... I know they all exist separately but i end up painting this picture as a whole; and to put it plainly I end up wanting the world.

I was just thinking about it too and this has been a pattern for a lot of the things I have done. I see the forest, yet even though I get a view almost nobody else dose I never get to see the trees...

In elementary school it used to be me and my rival eddie who were known as and competed as the best artist in grade. I could trace and doodle like no other. But as I grew up I found I could never even match the skill, detail, and emotion that artist end up putting into works. I can still draw very well, or trace that is. As long as I can see it and its still, i can get a pretty detailed outline drawing. But I can't put things together, create things... flush them out with the talent of true artist.

I mean I can create the pictures in my head. In great detail and power. But I just can't grasp the steps to from the blank slate to the portrait. I can't fathom the individual parts you have to draw that later join together to form a great work.

And its similar for other ascpects of my life as well. Music... I've become Outstanding at playing the drums, am becoming great at guitar, and am even good at singing and some piano. yet when it comes to composeing... I come up with great lyrics but never when im actualy trying and can't put them down on paper for the life of me. I can compose entire symphonies in my head, and literaly keep track of and be aware of dozens of individual instruments at the same time. But if you put me infront of a music writeing program and asked me to chart out just one of them I wouldnt be able to even begin to construct the sinlge part, and keep it in balance or time with the rest of the orchestration by itself...

With writing... I can construct epic plots, detail out the characters, interactions, and arcs. Before I've even sat down to write the page I've already created two sequels and an entire world and history. But I can't seem to coherently and entertainingly describe the first setting in a chapter or thread the journey together.

Even sports among other things. In little league I was one of the better/best baseket ball players on the team, and did pretty well in baseball to. But as I got older I just didn't keep up at the same level as others and became nothing more then an amazingly average athlete.

Every time its the exact same symptoms...

And then I hear people talk in such details about specific people, terms, vocabulary... about history and emotion from a single subject. Give it personality, and meaning... and i find myself struggling to even have an opinion about anything that doesn't come naturally to me. I admire those people, and am glad to have friends like that.

I am fortunate. Things come to me easily, I can pick up almost anything instantly and become good at it in no time at all. I have an incredible range that outshines most anyone else, that a lot of people couldn't even dream of. But I have no depth it seems.

Well... even if i think about it in my most angsty and self critical mood I don't think i can exactly call myself shallow. I do have depth, but most of it is so internalized. Or the depth is there but its buried where myself or others don't usually get to see it, like a catacomb of caves.

I guess that is why I really do become so proud of the things I do find myself passionet about. Even if it is something as silly as a drum key trinket to represent something I became proficient in, excelled at, and personalized and made my own; for example.

I just... need to get rid of all this bad conditioning on myself; that tells me to wait in line, or makes me constantly aware of the critizim and opinions of others. Or the horribly placid aversion to discomfort.

Im only happy when it rains. And then the rain freezes and crystalizes into a soft fun fluff

2008-01-17T21:01:21Z

Yay snow! snow is great. And pretty. And fun. Even if I did stall out and slide down a hill near my brothers nieghboorhood, but the roads around my brother are hardly normal even in good conditions. And I still triumphed. Also I have a gym buddy now, yay, so im not always going to the gym alone. Which hopefuly ill start doing again. 400 pages into book five of wheel of time now as well. And oh yeah I lost 500 '$' on some online gambling. But I didnt really care cause its not like real money. Go terps! yay snow.

Of course im still manic. Im just in a temporary upswing. But on the other hand... its snowing!

context

2008-01-13T04:22:00Z

I finished reading The Amber Spyglass yesterday, the third book in the 'His Dark Materials'. I like the series (fuck the movie), and I had enjoyed it and all. But the ending just made me sad. And then it made me angry, really angry, and some of the philosophy and then some of just the story got me thinking about other things which just started branching off everywhere real quickly. It made me sad and angry and unhappy and miserable and violent and rebellious and just a swarm of other things I wasn't in the state for. It just set off all the things that had been weighing down on me the past year, and for a short time I could explain and understand it all to.

I had wanted to get it down for my own sake, but knew if I sat down or put my mind in a frame to write, it would all vanish. Which it did anyway. And its not even as if It vented out or I had some great big purge and its gone now... no. Its not like that. Its still all festering and im still fighting down all these negative feelings. Its back to being just out at peripheral where I cant grab it to explain it.

I just paused mid that last sentence, having some daydream where someone responded to this journal and I get in some argument that sets me off again and starts me venting about it all. The second I realized what i was doing it was to late to write it all down yet again. I keep playing a lot of those arguments out in my head lately it seems which dosent help the stress. I guess it will just keep lingering there.

lightwolf @ 2008-01-12T02:21:00

2008-01-12T07:37:15Z

Its like a soap bubble. If I look directly at it, I can hardly see it and it will disintegrate away. And if I keep it just at the edge of my vision, I can almost make it out but cant work all the details. Ive memorized parts already but the threads holding it together are spider thin and just as flimsy. These thoughts and emotions, this desperation thats been building inside me lately. Some sense of myself.

Its exactly like the times I actually feel myself creating lyrics. When I have some song stuck in my head. Where the second I sit down to write them or hold them still they fly away, but when i try to force them otherwise they are awkward and stumble. I've lost them already.

I can only hope i catch them sometime soon in a stream of consiusce. Maybe when the currents slowed down some. Or somehow just capture the memory of it, like trying to replicate the image of a painting by traceing cloth with your finger. God I hope so.

At least i can apparently create a bunch of vivid analogies...

The soap bubble thing is over done perhapses...

Yeah its gone again already. It will be back though. Im going to sleep.

lightwolf @ 2008-01-11T07:46:00

2008-01-11T12:48:50Z

I can remember vivid physical feeling in my dream as well. And sense it as I was leaving the dream into tossing in bed, but still thinking like... having the same thought process as the dream.

lightwolf @ 2008-01-10T14:02:00

2008-01-10T19:28:38Z

I think I somehow learned how to dream while i'm still awake. Not just day dreams, but actual rem dreaming. This happens in place of when i'm actually trying to go to sleep, which I cant seem to do that well as of late. I find my mind wont let go, and if I do doze off a little its only an hour or so before Im back starring at the celling or walls. I can sometimes almost barely remember having a dream, but then I can also remember still tossing and turning during that time as well. As if they are overlapped, or layered somehow. Maybe im starting to sleep with my eyes open and don't know it... Also all of the dreams lately have been lucid ones. I also find if i do any kind of indulgence or escapes like reading a book, following a tv show or what ever my mind will latch onto it and keep cranking out thinking while im trying to empty my mind for sleep, for hours; that is when its not acting out moral, ethical, or emotional arguments with imaginary people in my head... those always get 'fun' too.

I Hate my mind. I dont want it any more. Get lost.

It probably doesn't help that I've been sick the last week. Had to take my first to sick days from work. All though normally I would tough it out, which I did at least one day this week; the combination of lack of sleep and metal rebellion/bombardment was just to much and I just needed a sensory deprivation day as much as I could. Course I know why Ive been sick alot lately is cause I haven't really been taking care of myself. Lack of sleep, forgetting to eat occasionally and not eating well, haven't been physical active as much...

Hopefully once it stops getting dark so early, and it gets a little warmer ill start going to the gym again, and then pick up my eating habits. I had a pretty good routine going from march till winter last year until I got sick that first time. I wonder when ill pick up everything else in my life again as well.

lightwolf @ 2007-12-30T22:37:00

2007-12-31T03:45:51Z

I wonder. Sometimes in dreams you'll see other people you know there. Not even people you are necessarily close to. People who just happened to be in the same class or neighborhoods as you years ago. I wonder if anyone else ever notices me in their dreams.

lightwolf @ 2007-12-22T21:44:00

2007-12-23T02:44:42Z

You'd be surprised the warm looks you get carrying a 3 foot tall stuffed animal through a store.

lightwolf @ 2007-12-15T23:27:00

2007-12-16T05:03:29Z

I turned 24 last week, on the 14th. Despite the fact that people at work usually treat you to lunch, or that I was hanging around with a bunch of friends that weekend I didn't really feel like i needed to tell anyone. Its not that I have a sense of forced modesty, its just not something i feel like i need to advertise or proclaim to people or have any expectations for. But I do feel kind of bad cause I know some of my friends got mad last year that I didn't tell anyone till after it had passed, and that I didn't let anyone know.

But there was just an unsettling thing hanging over the whole thing. I can't quite put my finger on it but I think whats bothering me is more generic, that I hate feeling like I have to ask for attention all the time if I ever want to get any. I shouldn't feel that way. But just the more and more I look around sometimes I feel as If i am just not socially functional. That I can't carry a conversation or actually connect and engage with people in the moment; outside of a few inane sarcastic quips. All the while more and more i feel myself just shuting down and becoming unfunctional. Can't articulate any opinion or argument. Can't focus on anything at work any more outside of 30 minute task. I've completely lost all momentum or will to keep up with the gym or grad school appcliations. And just generally overwhelmed, even when I should be happy and hanging out with friends.

I just don't really know that I can talk about it, or want to. Though apparently Im just being emo. So it must just be me being a whiny little bitch and nothing to worry about at all.

lightwolf @ 2007-11-17T20:47:00

2007-11-18T01:53:25Z

Gah, i took the second gre practice, and my score actually went down. Verbal went up 30 but math came down 70 from last time. And my goal was to improve at least 120 points from the first test... (so now id have to improve 160)

Maybe it was just a fluke and I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. I was a bit aloof when taking the test and should have caught a lot of mistakes on the math one. I also saw a few of the verbal i should have understood better but didn't get my head around at the time (I knew the words! Just not exact enough), and had at some extra time in both sections i could have spent...

Im not completely sure im ready for this. But I don't want to wait around another year preparing. There is nothing here for me, and I need to move on. In some direction. Maybe i should just become the live out of car musician instead. Or maybe i can just ask for permission to break down now and fall apart in a corner. Go coma or something.

lightwolf @ 2007-11-17T16:17:00

2007-11-17T21:31:09Z

I hate this feeling. That every time im talking or hanging out with someone, I feel the need to vent and just get it all out there as if I have no other outlet. But It never seems that I've quenched that feeling, that there is still something hanging over my head. And the times I do get to hang out with people aren't so far apart that this should be the case, yet i still feel its been ages since the last time i cleared my head every time.

And it sucks cause i feel like im being such a downer to people. Its only like two or three people to so its not like i can spread it out. At worst i start to feel like that awkward creepy guy in the sitcom, or that guy who just tries a bit to hard to be liked or social; When I'd rather just be at ease and completely natural around people. I haven't felt like that since...

1 month

2007-11-14T15:31:09Z

Gah, its irritating when you wake up right before the conclusion of a dream sequence. It was an interesting plot to...

So one month from today. It seems like my deadlines/turnings have fallen on that day quite a bit recently. Thats when i should have grad school stuff out the door, if I want to make the collage park deadline that is, though i can still easily make 3 other schools deadline for a few months after that. Still it be nice to get it out of the way. I still have to sign up and complete the gre's to, and hope the writing scores come back in time. I'll take the second practice test this weekend to see how my score will come out.

Hopefully i can find someway to challenge myself and resharpened my mind to. Its become a bit dulled lately and I miss interesting philosophical or academic conversations. Then again maybe its not completely a bad thing considering how frustrating the company buy out, gas prices, and political funding/budget issues have been lately; with people just jerking everyone around because they can.

*sigh* I want to go back to school and learn how to at least be able to play the part of a proper computer geek, so maybe i can focus and get some meaningfully stuff done at work.

lightwolf @ 2007-11-08T03:19:00

2007-11-08T08:28:49Z

There comes a time every day lately; I've come home from work and ive already messed around. Maybe ive searched the internet inanely for a while. Done some productive stuff like practice guitar for a while or some vocab drills on a site, or something less productive like play a game or search the web for comics or interesting reads. I've already had dinner, usualy, and in a few rare cases watched my tv for the night (heroes, the office). Theres a time, around 9:30 or 10:00 when i still feel restless and want something to do, but i dont really know what to do with myself either. Maybe ill decide to lie down for a while just to give myself some time to think, and unstimulate myself for a little bit, or take a quick 20 minute nap. And then all of the sudden its 2-3 am and i've not quite quenched my restlessness but find it to late to do anything else either.

And thats how i got to be here right now. (past couple days to.)

I did start to get some haunting thoughts about people i used to know in ravens band that i haven't talked to in years. I dont know why. Maybe google foo will turn up something.

Also oreos are the best thing ever at 3am. Though it remindes me ill have to brush my teeth twice in the morning, and quite possibly a shower should be involved.

lightwolf @ 2007-11-07T20:13:00

2007-11-08T01:17:14Z

Impressionable lad that i am I think my next goal is to learn Canon In D (on electric, aka canon rock) I mean holy crap thats just... yeah. Though i should probably finish learning classical gas from 3 years ago for that matter. Still if i can get this down then... mwhahaha!

Along with being a dork today Im printing out some comics from that xkcd site cause my cubes getting a little bear and thoses two i have in there already are getting old. Need more dork computer references defiantly. Also i think ill quit this week. Maybe next? *sigh* or wiat till im back in school at least i guess. Cough and sniffles have almost finaly gone away.

Snuffelufigus is out of sight

2007-11-07T00:33:02Z

"You're curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go."

I dunno why but i really like that web comic (xkcd). Its just a fun mix of silly, dorkness, sensuality, and insight. *sigh* simply taping up witty saying or mantras to your wall dosen't mean you've adopted them into your life though.

I did manage to tab out the Steven Lynch - Jim Henson song though and have got a good grasp on it already :). Now i just got to get the singing down with these complex tab patterns for the past few songs I've learned.

lightwolf @ 2007-11-05T13:45:00

2007-11-05T19:35:46Z

I took the same practice GRE that i did last time (So score dosen't count at all) but because its the computer version you get different questions depending on how you do with early ones. Got a few that i recognized from the last time and just skipped though but also saw a lot of new ones. What i thought was weird was i missed 4 on the math part, and still got a 790 according to how they score it. Also i feel a little better about my verbal now. I'll take the second test i haven't seen at all when im closer to the test date (since its the only other free one i have.)

I got hooked on a tv/anime show this past week that i spent way to much time on... (damn the entire series being on youtube.) Still i thought it was rather interesting, because rather then being a blatant action adventure or a silly comedy it was a rather intellectual mystery plot line. One guy finds this notebook, that gives him the ability that if he knows the face and name of someone he can write their name and cause of death in the book they will die. He proceeds to get a god complex and decides to judge all the worlds criminals himself. On the other hand there is a prodigy detective who has never revealed himself to the public before (and of course who has never lost a case) who takes up the challenge. The plot then becomes that each of them is trying to discover/prove the others identity before they are found out.

Its also interesting because it tells it from the point of view of the person with the notebook, and they try to gray out the morality at least a little; and also that the detective deduces and accepts that the killer has some supernatural kind of way to cause the murders in the first couple episodes. Its put me in a problem solving, mystery type of mood lately.

Still i have been my own worst enemy recently, and indulging too much in television and games. Its not that I don't think i can do all this grad school stuff and profession hunting, its just that at times i still dont know if i really want to. Even the schools i get excited about, seem as just another kind of indulgence or just 'something to do' and not an actual substance of life. But then if i don't do anything there isn't much substance anyway. I keep sifting between a rouge musician, a helpless romantic, and an entrupenuer academic; and theres not much consistency or cooperation between them. Then i have the up and down mood swings, and good and evil temperaments that fluctuate within each of the mask as well.

Though i suppose that kind of clash of the selves is not so uncommon in people, and where the argument about choosing your priorities in life comes in. But the rub is i dont feel like there is much of a choice there; as pursuing grad school seems to be the only thing i really have control over. And its unsettling to think the only lives im able to create don't fit with the kind of person that i am. Which again isn't an uncommon theme for the people in the world who have very little choices in the lives handed to them; but i come from the spoiled superficial middle class damnit. /mocksynisism *chuckle*

You'd think though that when your not in a position where your fighting for your life, beliefs, or security; that you'd have more leeway to pursue your happiness. As trivial as the issues may be compared to the gravity of life, ignoring or writing them off won't relinquish you from the responsibility of having to deal with them still. Though in everything you don't always have control of the opportunities available to you either. I guess i've been thinking a bit about a lot of the 'tunities i did have and hadn't known about at the time.